One of the grossest places to be is in a public restroom. Sure there are certain public restrooms that are extremely clean and well taken care of, but there are the restrooms that just look as if nobody has ever cleaned them before.

Personally, I have this irrational fear of public restrooms. It may be the smell, the fact that multiple people have sat on the same seat as I am about to with their bare bottom, or the millions of germs that inhabit the area. But here are the reasons for illogical terrors that I encounter when I need to go.

Problem 1: Although it may not seem like it, I am a bit of a germ-o-phobe. Of course I am aware of my own personal germs, that I can handle, but others who have stuck their hands in unholy and disgusting places who then reach for the same door as me. . . that I have a problem with. And also, BUTTS ARE PRETTY GROSS.  I hate knowing that possibly hundreds of people have shared the same toilet seat as me before it was last cleaned (I now hover). Some new technology has saved me from the spread of germs, and for that I am thankful.

For example, the sinks that have sensors and turn off after you move your hands from underneath are nothing short of a gift from God. Washing my hands is the second best part of my restroom experience, having to re-touch the same sink handle that contains the same germs I just rid myself of is similar to having a password on your phone just to turn around and tattoo that same password across your forehead; there’s no use for it! Same goes for the paper towel dispensers that requires someone to touch a handle.

B) Criminal Minds is my favorite show to watch. Do you know how many people get abducted in a public restroom on the T.V. show? Especially sketchy public restrooms! I don’t want to fight some psychotic murderer with a full bladder. So why not just refuse to go to public restrooms and wait to go in your own SAFE home?

3) Being flushed down the toilet. This fear derives from my childhood when I stayed with my older cousins every summer and the boys just seemed to lack the common courtesy to put the dang toilet seat down. I was about five years old when I ran to the restroom, hopped on the toilet seat, and fell in.

I. Fell. In.

It was a traumatic experience that has obviously scarred me for life. Now, I know I shouldn’t be afraid of this happening because 1) not many girls put the toilet seat up in the women’s restroom and 2) I am not as small as I used to be and am capable of getting myself out without my mother’s help.

But I am not scared of falling in anymore, I’m worried about when I go to flush the toilet with my foot (there is no way that I would touch the handle (see problem number one)) that my foot will slip and I’ll accidentally dunk my shoe in the toilet bowl. How would someone come back from that? Just another day at school with the casual “oh yeah, I dunked my foot in the toilet, that’s why its soaking wet. No biggie.”

Cuatro) Walking into the wrong restroom seems like quite a horrible moment. I find myself staring at the sign that says WOMEN just a little too long. Especially when you go to a restaurant that tries too hard at everything they do, from the cheesy song they force their employees to sing, to the restroom signs that says crazy crap like “chicken” and “egg” to identify which restroom. What are they doing???? How is that going to do anything but prolong my already horrible restroom experience and give me intense anxiety as to which freaking door I should choose.

All in all, public restrooms are disgusting. The germs in there are probably the same ones that turn people into zombies thus creating the next zombie apocalypse. But going to a public restroom is basically inevitable. Unless you were a person, who plays the introvert game on the level expert, then you will probably use a public restroom. I learned that I cannot avoid them at all unless I want my bladder to literally explode, so I solemnly accepted the fact that I will use public restrooms but I will cringe a little every time.